ok, eddie pics

are on my flickr. click HERE  if you’re too lazy to click the link on the right.

eddie > blog

eddie, my new dog, is much cooler than blogging, so i haven’t been keeping up to date.  just trust me, eddie > blog, every day.  well, maybe not the day he peed on my bed.  blogs don’t pee on your bed.  or anywhere, for that matter.  but still - eddie wins.  i’ll attach a pic (one his foster mom took b/c we haven’t taken very many pics yet).  he’s a 4 yo min pin i adopted from a rescue.  sweetest little guy ever and smarter than most guys i’ve dated.  all in all, great little package.  i love the little bugger already. 

it’s true

who you are, what you do and how you feel are all choices you make.

i can tell you a million times, but you won’t actually get it until you find out for yourself.

good luck.

nearly done!

three more hours (of property - ugh) and i will finally be done as a 1L.  it’s been a great ride, but dear god i cannot express how happy i am that this year is over.  2L - here i come! 

tomorrow will be awesome for various reasons.  check it:

- last day of 1L!

- my belated bday thing!

- coffee house crunch cake from coldstone!

- end of finals liquor!

- cute dress!  (and angela in a dress and new shoes!)

- that’s all i’ve got for now, but AWESOME!

now off to bed. 

also -

in case you’re wondering, i’m single again.  i realized i hadn’t really pointed that out, but i am.  single and in love, how beautifully cliche.  if i had my tv life, he’d come bursting through the door with a lovely little nosegay (i always loved that word) and tell me how wrong he’d been.

in my real life, i suck it up and deal, live my (hectic) life and try just to enjoy what i get from him - our daily chats, his occasional overnight visits.  at night, when i’m alone and i’m lonely and i think about how i could be alone but not lonely, i let go a little bit.  i exhale everything that i’ve been sucking up and dealing with and i let myself be sad.  soon enough it’ll be another day and i’ll be joking about it and everyone will know that the situation really doesn’t  bother me.  funny thing - he knows it does.  he knows my heart and i can’t ask for more, but i certainly can wish that i had more.

sing/be

my birthday was not too long ago and i got a card from my family (read: mom) that says ’sing your own beautiful song, be your own beautiful self’.  it’s still on my nightstand and, as i was getting ready for bed, i picked it up again just a minute ago.  i thought the card was very sweet the first time i read it, but now it doesn’t seem to apply.  my self is no longer beautiful.  my song was lost long ago.  it must have only been a few years, but most of the time i can’t even remember what it sounded like.

eons or maybe just weeks ago, i wrote that i was looking for my perfect pizza.  really, honestly, i want someone to remind me what my own beautiful song is.  i don’t need someone who drowns it out and i don’t need someone who tries to teach me a new song.  really, honestly, i want someone who loves me for me, not who i could be or who he wants me to be.  until then, i live for the moments when i can catch snippets of my beautiful song, my beautiful self.

i miss them both.

how things should be…

every so often you hear this phrase, tacked into any of a million phrases.  i hate it.  if things are different, how do you know what they ’should’ be?

exboy and i were talking daily after we broke up.   then he stopped talking to me.  he wouldn’t reply to my txts, wouldn’t im me.  it was esp weird because we didn’t talk like once a day, it was fairly constant communication throughout the day, then nothing.  today he talked to me (is talking to me) and when i asked him why he’d been avoiding me, and he said that he was trying to get things the way they ’should’ be.  apparently he doesn’t know what things should be like, but he doesn’t want to feel so attached.

i don’t get this.  if i’m happy with someone and i feel attached, i just go with it.  i don’t think that i shouldn’t be with this person.  i don’t even know how i’d know what something should or shouldn’t be.

i don’t know.  maybe i should just do my thing and go with the flow.  the older i get, the more i realize that’s about all you can do.

i want a tv life.

even when you think everything is going to go horribly wrong, tv life always comes back.  there is a lesson learned, a heart unbroken, a new good friend found.  things in the past are confined to the past and you can get over something in as little as a long drive or maybe a ride in an elevator.  windows open when doors close and everything always ends up ok.  there might be a messy episode or two in there, but by the end of the season everything is ok.  there might be drama, but you just know something is going to be resolved soon enough.

i want a tv life.  i want to stop hurting and start making better decisions within a 2 hour special.  i want to learn from my mistakes and meet people who can teach me how to do that.  i want a tv life where i meet someone i think is perfect who really is perfect.  i want to get an out-of-the-blue perfect job, right when i can’t make rent.  i want suspenseful moments when you know you’re going to prevail.

i want a tv life.