just when i thought everything had fallen into place and everything was going well, i found out how completely wrong i was. surprising how things can be falling apart when you think they’re being built up. and then, when it tumbles down, you look for any tidbit of hope to help you through. i got more than that, so i thought. i got what i thought was a helpful rope thrown down to me. it was a whole night of amazing - 14 hours reaffirming my hope. a night and part of a day that reassured that everything would be ok, that we were going to get through this rough spot and everything would likely work out.
today i’ve realized those 14 hours may have been just me being used, again. maybe he didn’t realize he was using me, maybe he didn’t realize how much hope he was giving me, but somehow i’m pretty sure he knew. and that hurts more than lying to myself and saying that he had no idea.
it makes me wonder about myself. how can i be so clueless about what’s going on in my own life? how can i think things are going well when, in fact, they’re going terribly wrong? how can i think he and i are so right for each other and then find out that he thinks we’re too different? so different he won’t even bother trying.
i have one last weak rope i’m clutching and he just unraveled one little bit of it. at this point i usually pull too hard and am left all alone at the bottom of my sadpit, holding on to nothing. if you see me, remind me not to tug. not even to pull gently. i’ll know what you’re talking about. 
