it’s not delivery…

wow. just wow. this was going to be my ’single’ blog, documenting my dating anecdotes. i was sure it was bound to be full of disappointment and hilarity and, well, singleness.

fastforward to today, i’m still single, but i’ve found someone beyond-amazing. i’m not going to go into details, but he is so much more than i could have ever described in a my-guy list. keeping with my analogy, so far he’s my favorite pizza. in case you’re wondering, i’ve already come across some mushrooms, but the rest of it is so good that i don’t even notice them.

to be honest, i’m scared. i already like him, a lot. it’s a scary place to be, but he’s worth the risk. i think this is a let go, jump in, see where it leads you deal. it’s about trust and hope and the thought that this might be something better than anything i’ve had so far.

maybe it’s finally my turn.

sometimes i’ll even apologize

i’m a bitch.  not all the time, but sometimes i’m extra bitchy.  i’m not a bad person and i don’t have that many bad days, but my bad moods are really bad.

at some point not too long ago, i was mean to someone and stopped talking to them.  no big loss, but i hadn’t even given this person a chance and i kept thinking about him.  knowing me, it’s not going to go past here (my bad luck is apparently a distance runner), but i decided to apologize.  it took some twists and turns and a measure that might be extreme if it weren’t free and i weren’t bored,  but i did it.

now the waiting begins.  is this my perfect pizza?  probably not.  i don’t know what it would be or if i’d want a perfect pizza - pizza is supposed to be sloppy and delicious and not good for you but oh so good anyway and you can always point out the various foodgroups it fits into, but not perfect.  is this guy the guy?  probably not.  either way, i’m willing to ignore the mushrooms and enjoy the good bits.  at the very least, i’ll try my best. 

my perfect pizza

i’m sure you’ve heard that sex is like pizza - no matter how bad it is, it’s still good.  i’ve learned through the years that pizza can be pretty shitty (think mexican pizzas in grade school!) .  come to think of it though, my little brother loves mexican pizzas.  i would digress, but this just brought me to another important point - not everyone likes the same pizza.

for years i would only eat pepperoni and cheese.  not very exciting, but if you asked me what my perfect pizza was, i’d be able to tell you right off.  now, i have no idea.  i especially love some of the amazing topping combinations that come out of Spin! in kansas city, but i wouldn’t say that any one is my favorite.  not yet, anyway - i haven’t had them often enough to tell.

i realized at some point last week that guys (not just sex) are like pizza.  there’s usually some good part about each one, but they’re not necessarily right for me.  this realization came when i was at j’s house and he’d made pizza - mushrooms, spinach and garlic.  surprisingly good, with that mix (i’m not a big mushroom fan) - but not great.  this was basically j - some distasteful ingredients, ok, but not my kind of guy.  not my kind of pizza.

i don’t know if i’m looking for the ‘perfect’ pizza or the perfect guy, but i’m looking for similar things on both.  toppings i like, not half baked (there are some nutcases out there, trust me), but most of all, something i can have and enjoy day after day.  pepperoni is delicious - safe, comforting, but a bit boring.  i want something with a bit of a challenge.  maybe luce’s got it.

i’ll let you know if i find my perfect pizza.

of course i love being single. yay.

i’ve been saying that for a bit too long though.  at first it was true - who wouldn’t love to be single?  you get to go out with the girls, no strings, no one waiting at home or asking where you’ve been, free drinks from some cute guy if you’re lucky… if not, you still get free drinks from 10-12 on weds at preston’s.  who in their right mind would want to be anything other than single??

me.

i’m not desperate, yet, but i am sick of being single.  ask me if i enjoy the single life and i’ll say ‘yes’ - pay attention and you’ll realize i don’t really mean it.  it’s like saying you’re fine even though you just found out no longer fit into those jeans and you still have a hangover.   most people don’t pay enough attention to realize that you’re not fine, or that you no longer want to be single.

sex isn’t the problem.  i can get sex if i want it, but that goes along with the single life.  i want someone *special* - not just that cute guy who got me free drinks at the bar.  that may have cut it in UG, but not anymore.  i want someone who’ll be there tomorrow and next week and will even try to be around when i’m freaking out at finals time.

i’m not that picky.  i mean, i have standards and i have guidelines, but i think i’m un-picky enough and a good enough catch that i have a chance at this dating thing.  i’m going to give it a shot.  not just that, i’m going to take you through it.  every painful, embarrassing, enlightening, magical, horrible step of the way.  because that’s dating - the ultimate crapshoot.  if you have advice, toss it my way.  if you want advice, ask away - i do amazingly well at other people’s relationships and dreadfully poorly at my own.

minneapolis, here is your challenge:  find me a guy.  find me a great guy who’s worth it and if you can’t find me that, at least find me some dates i can sit around and laugh about.  i’ll let you know what i’m looking for and, maybe, let you know more about who i am later.   for now i’m going to read some more con law, think about doing yoga and decide to go to bed instead.

of course i love mondays.  yay.

wtf radio?

why is it when you want to hear a certain kind of song, the *right* song never comes on the radio?! and those are the times when you usually don’t have your ipod handy.

yesterday i wanted something a little harder, faster - edgier… no go. decemberists were the edgiest thing on 89.3 (the current - fing awesome! look it up!). that wasn’t cool. today we wanted something happy, fluffy, spring music. NADA.

there was going to be more of this blog but i’m getting bored. :/ sorry guys. i’ll hit you up later.

love you all, darlings! drive safe - i’ll see you soon.

get this, match guys

and guys in general. if you like me and want to keep me around, you will have to put up with:

whiskey

parliaments

bars

other substances*

drunken friends

whiskey wednesdays, thirsty thirsdays, friday, saturday + sometimes sunday  weekends

wii loving

silliness

random displays of awesome

stubbornness.

if you can’t deal, probably don’t even bother. i am who i am, i love who i am and i’m not going to change who i am, intrinsically, for you.

*not that, silly. not THAT either… yup, yup - that’s it!

st. paddy’s

oh, st paddy’s, you confuse the hell out of me, what with your liquor and strange encounters and serious conversations while drunk.  who the fuck has serious drunk conversations?  oh, that’s right.  i do.

i no longer know anything about anything except that i need to get some sleep.

mpls, i’ll see you in a few!

what women want:

courage

love

peace

you never expect a blindside.

so yesterday (or i guess, technically, two days ago) travis started talking to me after 2 weeks of not. i would have rather had a better reason - he thought i’d txt’d him and he didn’t want to hold a grudge - but i was actually ridiculously happy that he wanted to talk to me.  i realized i’ve just been drinking a lot and have managed to forget about him for a while.

sunday i was leaving for ks, so we didn’t talk much, except to decide to keep talking. today was a different story. i am a super-honest person and will blab about whatever’s on my mind, which today happened to be how i’m not impressed by many of his friends. doesn’t help that mutual friend steven was being a fucktard (completely deserved description). travis got pissed, i got upset - talking again for 24 hours and it’s back to the same ol’ bullshit.

we talked again just a bit ago and i don’t know where we stand. i don’t think he hates me, but i’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me either. he seems to tolerate me more than anything.

we’re playing it by ear. funny thing, those words. i can’t even play by sheet music. i used to live by that - playing it by ear, going with the flow, taking it one day at a time. now i can’t. i don’t know what’s changed or how i’ve become so old so fast, but playing it by ear now equals playing a foreign song on a completely new-to-me instrument by ear on a stage in front of hundreds of paying audience members. i used to joke that i had the balls to face anything. hell, i simply used to joke. there was a time when i loved myself to the extent that i was happy - regardless of what i’d fucked up that day.

i’m going to try to channel some of old me for this: confident, bold, assertive, go with the flowing - but i always knew where i wanted the flow to go. i could wing anything and everything and it worked out. lately i overthink everything and nothing works out.

**i don’t know what happened in the last 45 or so minutes. it wasn’t conscious, but somehow i no longer hate myself. i’m not quite at loving myself yet, but i can feel a definite start. this is my life and i’ve been living like a completely different person. deadlines won’t bring ‘me’ back, but maybe a little hope can.

easy enough

<3 pistachios

</3 ks

don’t expect to see me back in this state soon.